Nervous Excitement – thats how i d describe my feeling now. I will be travelling to onsite and staying there for the next 6 months. With all the delays typical of the software industry, i am supposed to be travelling this week. It did not sink in me much until I packed stuff yesterday. It was after I finished packing that I realized amma will not be waking me up after Wednesday. I will be on my own, my friends are there but then where I will be staying will not be home. It will not be India, people wont speak Tamil, I will have to cook my own food.
I am in a position where I cannot turn back, I cant say I wont go at this stage. Somehow I feel I should have thought of my mother, my home and my country before having said yes in the first place. I decided at that time to take up the challenge of work, I was happy that it was offerred to me. I had wanted to avoid all onsite trips, but I made a conscious decision to just try it out. I feel bad about that now. I was pulled by the force of word "Onsite". I regret having made that decision.
I am ripped between having made a bad decision, duty and love. I honestly and sincerely prayed to God to give me strength to take the temporary spearation from my mother, home and country. I am also scared of how I am going to perform at work there. I am worried about how amma will stay alone, how I will stay alone and how I will manage for the next 6 months. I am concerned for the welfare of those who I love and those who I am leaving alone and going to a distant land for the sake of money.
I have realized that earning money by being away from relatives is a pain, no matter how much happiness that money can bring later on. I cried, paryed, felt bad, I have done all that people who feel the pangs of separation do. Yet the feelings somehow havent left me. This is a learning I will use at all time in life, in all situations hence forth.
This is the age of IT – people are closer to each other through telephone, internet, whatever. But personal touch or atleast the feeling of knowing that if i catch a bus tonight, i ll be at home tomorrow morning is something very very special and different. Thats how I long to live the rest of my life, not as away as I am now. I do not want to go now. If something comes up and cancels my trip, and if that thing that happens doesnt hurt me, I will be happy.
I have made up my mind to come back by December come what may, no matter what they offer, even if it means by quitting where I work.